Let me set the scene. It’s currently 5:37 PM on a breezy Thursday afternoon. I’m sitting on my bed, staring aimlessly out my window while I replay scenarios from my youth, from my present, and try to predict potential scenarios in my future that may be brought on by current trauma. You may be wondering why I chose to speak on this now. That’s quite simple. Trauma SUCKS! We don’t talk about it enough. Yea, we speak of how it may have shaped us into who we are, but we don’t really acknowledge how trauma creeps into our day-to-day lives.
I find talking to myself helps, but it also makes me look crazy. Who knows, I just might be, but I think that’s an issue for 2023 Des to work through. Maybe she’ll have the mental stamina required to tackle that conversation. That, my friends, is called compartmentalizing. In truth, it’s avoidance, a common side effect of not wanting or knowing how to healthily deal with your past, but with the right amount of pizzazz and denial, it’s an amazing temporary solution. Praying you guys understand that’s sarcasm. On a more serious note, saying things out loud helps. You’re able to fully understand what you’ve been through. A common response to trauma is downplaying or plain forgetting the bad things that happened to you. In my opinion, the awareness brought on through self-communication is the first step.
Can we please talk about how trauma messes with your perception of yourself?! It’s like the snapchat camera version of you, actual phone camera version of you, and the mirror version of you are all reenacting the scene with the three Spiderman characters pointing at each other. There’s the version of yourself you believe to be true, the version of yourself you think others see, and then the real you. Unfortunately, the latter doesn’t always get the recognition it deserves. Trauma has a way of breeding self-doubt, fear, and a general feeling of being unworthy. This can further lead to imposter syndrome, depression, anxiety, and other mental illnesses. Do you want to have those feelings? Not particularly, but you’ve programmed your mind to recognize your triggers. While that may be an effective method of self-protection, sometimes setting up these defenses keeps you stuck in a persona that overtime even you won’t be able to recognize.
Now this last point may be a touchy area for some of us, but in vulnerability there is growth. It's something that I personally have experienced, and I still don’t have a clear answer if someone were to ask me how to combat it. After the awareness or recognition stage, there’s a natural urge to want to do better, to be better. But sometimes your desires and your actions have a very hard time getting on the same page. Trauma tends to want to linger. Let’s compare that hurt and pain to slimy glue. The more you try to get rid of it, the messier it becomes. Either you don’t know where to start cleaning up the mess, or you try unsuccessfully. This manifests into feelings of hopelessness and failure that are next to impossible to shake. You wonder "why won’t this go away?", "Why can’t I be better at healing even though I know it’s what I want for myself?". Not being able to do the very thing you need to in order to escape your trauma leaves you in a very uncomfortable space.
But there’s good to this. A light at the end of the tunnel, gold at the end of the rainbow. In other words, with the right drive and dedication, you can reap the rewards waiting for you at the finish line of your journey. There are a few truths I had to acknowledge before beginning my journey. First off, it is a harsh reality, but the truth is even though you may not have been responsible for your trauma, it is your responsibility to fix it. Secondly, your trauma does not define you, do not allow it to limit your potential. Lastly, don’t expect to reverse years of pain in just one day. Healing is a journey. Take a few little steps daily and eventually you’ll be exactly where you’re supposed to be. You are not alone. We all deal with trauma in our own unique ways. If it helps, try talking about it. Be open and honest about how you feel; someone just might benefit from your bravery.
Destinee Aliyah ♥
