“This year was rough”. That’s exactly what I said to myself in January. You may be wondering “well, how did we get here” *inserts overly dramatic record scratch*. It started at the beginning of this year. Unlike majority of the humans on this planet I was extremely excited to experience what 2022 had to offer. I was happy in my personal life, professionally I was doing ok, and I was about to finish my last semester at the University of the West Indies. Those that know the struggle understand that last one hits different. I felt alive. I was steadily planning for a new chapter of life; my world was at peace. As if 2020 and 2021 didn’t teach me enough about how life can change in an instant 2022 started 2022’ing. In the space of a few weeks, I lost my job, found out I wouldn’t be able to register for any courses at all and very non-coincidentally lost every bit of motivation I had to do anything.
The first week after my new reality began to dawn on me could only be described as chaotic. Not the type of chaos that is frantic and outwardly presents clear signs but strait jacket chaotic. I found myself constantly replaying the events of the previous weeks in my mind trying to figure out what was real and what wasn’t. To say I was in denial would be an understatement. I spent two weeks exhausting my resources trying to find a solution to my university dilemma while simultaneously using the last of my money to buy the things I wanted. At the end of that fight, I found myself a broke, unemployed college dropout. I mean technically I didn’t drop out I just had to defer for a semester, but I’ve been told I have a penchant for the dramatic so yea. To some these “challenges” may not be considered a big deal but as a perfectionist, overthinking, chronic overachiever it felt like my world was ending.
The months following those events were interesting, to say the least. Month one was spent very unsuccessfully researching remote jobs that paid well. I should’ve figured that wasn’t going to work since most of my leads came from Tik Tok. In my defense, the app was right about a lot of things. I very successfully got a permanent coupon code for my SHEIN account from one of its users. Granted I wouldn’t be able to check out my very full cart due to the no money and stuff, but I was choosing to be optimistic. This takes us to month two. I was living the dream. I finally decided it was probably a good idea to stop isolating the people around me, so I messaged a few of my friends. Not sure if they ever got a response after that but at least I can say that I did it. I started catching up on my favorite series and movies, exploring new ones to add to the list of shows I’ve watched in their entirety. Created some very interesting storylines in my sims game that I’m still not sure were 100% legal. I was clocking some serious hours on my computer; it was fun while it lasted. Month three came in like a strong, unexpected gush of wind. Yah girl got bored. I went from being Destinee, the girl with about three meetings a day, two side projects and at least one university class that I was ignoring to “Destinee” a shadow of my former self. This is where the overthinking began to creep back in. Yea, I worked freelance in between and I had a couple gigs, but it was nothing steady. My mind was craving stimulation while I was simultaneously running out of ideas. It was rough but month four came in with a much-needed burst of clarity.
That was the spark that ignited the idea for this new series. Consider this blog part one of about six lessons in becoming a better you. I had a conversation with myself and myself was roasting me. She was acting like she didn’t know we were emotional and cried at the first sign of internal conflict. My words to myself were harsh, yet necessary, It went a little something like this; “Stop it, you are the only person standing in your way. Get off your ass, stop pitying yourself and actually make an effort. Stop trying to put the blame on everything around you and actually hold yourself accountable.”. When I tell you I was an emotional wreck when I came to that realization believe me. The thing that stuck with me the most from that “conversation” was the part about self-accountability. I had emotionally, mentally, and creatively let myself go. In my mind if it wasn’t done to perfection then it wasn’t worth doing and that triggered severe anxiety that just caused me to stop. I stopped taking care of myself, I stopped making an effort to reach out to people, I stopped creating, I stopped writing. Putting everything on pause in the unhealthy way I did caused an immense guilt within me. Even though I knew how to fix it allowing myself the freedom to try again proved to be harder than I expected. I was now in an uncomfortable position where I had to face life. Head on.
To start on this journey, I had to face every mistake I’d made in those last few months. I had to consider the moments lost, opportunities missed, and memories not made simply because I chose not to deal with my reality. More importantly I had to forgive myself. A lot of the time when we talk about self-accountability, we ignore the residual feelings that come about because of it. I had to learn to accept those feelings. Once I did, I was able to move forward. I slowly started posting on the page again, I actually finished writing this blog which was started weeks ago. P.s, the first version was such a downer! I started to feel like myself again. To help me get back on track, and stay there, I recently implemented a system. It’s called “The Non-Negotiable”. I simply pick a task and commit to completing it before my day is over. So far, it’s been going great. I must admit, I’ve been keeping it simple since I’m getting back into the groove of things but one day my one daily “Non-Negotiable” will turn into two then turn into three and it will only get better from there. It’s not going to be easy. I can’t promise to follow a rigid schedule with posting, but I can promise that it will be impactful. These words I’m writing are just as much for me as they are for you. Let’s take this journey together to become best we can be.
