You may be surprised to see me pop up on your feed after a months long hiatus. Some of your reactions may consist of but are not limited to “wow, I didn’t know she still exists”, “what does she do again?“, or maybe “why did she disappear for so long?”. Well in response I would say, 1. Sometimes I’m just as surprised as you that I still exist, 2. I write blogs and I’m dramatic (but you wouldn’t be here if you didn’t slightly enjoy it) and finally, I was busy living, that’s the simplest way to put it.
These last few months have been filled with ups and downs, twists and turns, lessons, and blessings. Basically, almost anything that can happen to an individual with high emotional reactivity and low iron. This may be cliché, but as I always say cliches are cliches for a reason, this year I’ve learned more about myself than I have ever in my life. 2023 saw the most broken version of me but its also seeing the version of myself that is closer to healing and wholeness than I have ever been and that’s not just because I started getting my lashes done, even though I think it did help. I learned about loss, in the best way possible. I learned to trust myself, in a way I never had. I learned that even on my rainy days, when my back is against the wall, that the universe has a way of giving, making sure I’m ok. I learned to trust the process. That being in love shouldn’t equate to pain. I learned that asking for what I want doesn’t make me take up extra space.
The one thing I haven’t been able to master is self-accountability. Its like a constant battle in my head and my heart between healing my inner child and making logical decisions that will safeguard my future. No one ever talks about the guilt you feel denying yourself all the things the 7-year-old version of you wanted but never got that you can now afford. Or the feelings of depression and anxiety that strap you to your bed all day because out of the blue, on your 50th rewatch of Modern Family, your past trauma was triggered by a loaded, yet playful, joke someone made on the show.
While I did a lot of growing, this year also highlighted a myriad of inefficiencies that prevent me from becoming the version of myself I want to be. I spent a long time matching excuses to my trauma like a game of mahjong. Being intimidated by the complexities but determined to make myself feel better for not doing all the things I told myself I would do. Although valid, sometimes our experiences in the past offer a very convenient excuse for us not to do better. Its easy to become the scapegoat you rely on to get yourself out of the very situations you put yourself in. I found myself turning into a Harvard bred Psychology major at the hint of judgment from anyone simply because hiding behind past experiences meant I didn’t have to hold myself accountable. But when is enough enough? What does it take for someone to recognize the harm in their behaviors? At what point can you say its not ok? For me it was when I began to itemize my excuses. When I was able to link key words from the mouths of another to a memory from my past that would somehow justify the potentially reckless, yet harmless, thing I was doing. But now enough is in fact enough.
I won’t promise to get it right on my first try. I won’t promise to somehow undo years of ‘bad’ behavior overnight. But I do promise that I will learn to appreciate the past without allowing it to continuously derail my future. To recognize that a promise to myself is the most important of them all. To enter the new year with hope and honesty instead of fear and explanations. Self-accountability is a bit*h, but so is a girl chasing after her dreams. I wonder who will be the biggest we’ve ever seen.
By Destinee Aliyah
